Things have changed since my last post…  I went down to see my Daddy….  I tried to go on Sunday… I had things I had PROCRASTINATED about.. and had to do…(MAYBE THIS will change that bad habit of mine…)   the next day I got there, he was in a procedure room… having contrast dye inserted to look at his kidney function… during this procedure…  I was IN the hospital… in the cafeteria with my mom and brother… I DIDN’T get to see him first!!!!,,,, during this, he coded….  We heard the “code blue in radiology”… I KNEW!!! I knew… BUT, but, I looked at the look that flitted across my mom’s face and said to her… “there are a lot of people in there… it’s not Daddy”… and she said… “I know, there are a lot of very sick people in this hospital”… she was still in denial, OR trying to protect her kids.  But I knew.  I wanted nothing more than to leave there and go to where he was.  They called the code over and over.  then cleared it, then called it again… several more times.  By then my sister had arrived.  My mom mistakenly thought sis said she had gone to Dad’s room first, and since he was not back yet we decided to go to the radiology dept, where Dad was.  We spoke to the nurse (who knew my Mom and Dad very well, he was there quite a bit lately), who seemed to not want to say much… the doc doing the procedure came out… and asked us into the hallway… IF before then, I wasn’t sure, that was the clincher… he spoke of Dad vomiting (he had been non stop for a couple of days), and then aspirating into his lungs… then he stopped breathing, his heart had stopped “momentarialy”… and STILL Mom, Sis and Brother didn’t really seem to understnad… maybe they did… but I KNEW>  I KNEW i did not make it in time… I would not see my Daddy again.  The doc feared he would not make it out of the room… but if they could stablize him, he would go to ICU… I think, if my sister and brother had not been there, I would not have stayed on my feet.  Seeing my house, the day after the fire… I nearly collasped…. this day, this moment, I did.  but for them, I would not have been standing. 

We went upstairs accompanied by a wonderful minister.  Some very kind people cleared a room for us to have, seeing our distress.  Eventually, we were told Dad was on his way up.. he was stable.  Even then, when told by doctor that he was on a ventilator, I don’t think we got it… I finally asked ( I had to!!  This was the most assertive I had been in many many years!!!)  ” He’s on life support.?”  the answer was yes. 

Right now, I can’t continue… but I will later.  Thanks for this forum… thank you.

Here I am no longer a kid, and so so scared and sad about my Dad.  He is in the hospital, in California and I feel soooo helpless.  This has happened so fast.  He was healthy, vibrant, full of life, until last summer, he started having a few problems, most attributed to his age (turned 80 in Feb), and tests showed nothing amiss, no recurrance of prostate cancer that he fought a beat over 10 years ago.  But something wasn’t right.  He has great doctors, even the Stanford Tumor board has reviewed his case… he has a LARGE mass, tumor, in his pelvic region, that in January they tried to remove… but couldn’t.  It was “soft” and vascular…  removing it would have caused him to bleed to death… they relieved the pressure on his nether regions and then….    sooo, chemo, then radiation, was started.  Aggressively.  And he was okay, not great, but okay til last weekend…  His kidneys had shut down (tumor pressing on ducts), so they did a bypass of sorts, he awoke from that surgery feeling thirsty, hungry, something he hadn’t felt in awhile.  Next day, he coulddn’t hold anything down, was hungry (for the first time in weeks!!) but couldn’t eat… and now… dialysis… and word that his liver is also shut down… I talk to him on the phone, and he sounds soooooo very tired, weak and old!! My Daddy is NOT old!!! and of ANYONE in this world, HE does NOT deserve this!!!  He is a sweet, gentle, loving, caring man!!  A RARE man!  A man I tried to find in all my subsequent relationships… someone kind, loving, funny, happy.  He doesn’t cuss.  He thinks of others, of how to make things better for others… he RECYCLES!!!  WITH A PASSION!!!!  to help the earth… He loves his wife, his 3 kids, his grand kids and GREAT grand kids… He would do anything for anyone… and this is SOOOO UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!  Please, God, take care of Dad… and Mom…  I love them so…

Why is today a “good day”…  dang…  it is, though…  for that I am happy.

Today was a good day… why can I feel so good one day, and be the same person and feel so bad the next?  Crazy I think…   I have been told I am nuts… by more than one person… by more than 5 if you must know the truth.  hehehe

I wonder why, and if anyone else has this happen…. I can look in the mirror one day (I do NOT look that often…  I guess I don’t like to???) I can look in the mirror in my bathroom and see a cute, happy, perky, not beautiful, but okay, looking person… then the next day… the actual visage is, to tell the truth, ugly…  REALLY ugly… physically ugly… How can that happen?  Some days I smile at myself and say… YA, you ARE cute!  or at least, alright…  not hideous… and other days… my god… I can’t stand to look.  I look so horrible!!  Is this all in my head???? my own self critisizing eye???  Did I do anything to make me feel “ugly”?   No, I don’t think so… it just happens!!!  Wish it wouldn’t… I really wish it wouldn’t…. really… really really… 

So… from now, this day, this moment… I must forget the day prior… the feelings that proceeded this day, this moment.  It is hard.  I WANT to be good… to be attractive… to be happy.  AND I TRY…  I do… some don’t think I do… but I do.  EVERY day.  Who wants to be sad??? Who wants to be miserable???  I know I don’t!  Really really don’t…   So  I am trying.  EVERY day. 

Thanks for “listening”…  Peace to all…

I have come to realize that I am an emotional, passionate person… one who does not take things lightly.  I FEEL too much, it seems at times.  I take things to heart, I carry them with me day and night… I agonize over what I said, did, thought, that may be taken wrong, that may have BEEN wrong.. that make other people think badly of me… things that diminish me.  If I am to help someone, I feel like a failure if my help seems weak.  If I am to listen to someone, the things I say seem inadequate,,,, until I am alone and then I have fantastic conversations with that person… even though they are not there.  voices in my head?? who knows… I don’t think so, but I remember from a very VERY early age, and through my teen and young adult years… that everything that I did I did a “trial run” in my own head… a conversation of sorts with myself (and the other person).  Tried to make it right… in my own mind, before approaching the actual real person.  Is that nuts???  not sure, it’s all I know.  I find it disturbing and odd that my daughter has always done the same thing.  Then, then, when I finally get the nerve and courage up to actually have that conversation with that person… if it doesn’t go the way my “rehersal” did… I fall apart, can’t continue and feel like a total failure. 

I am stubborn, I have been told… I prefer to think of it as “persistant”.

I am emotional… I prefer to think of it as “compassionate”.

I am intense… I prefer to think of it as “passionate”.

Am I a bad person?  A bad partner?  A bad friend?  I don ‘t think so… but sometimes the itty bitty shitty committee in my head is shouting so loud I can’t hear the sane voices.  If there are any…

More later people…

Again, today I will attempt to put down something of substance… not substance to anyone but me, my aspirations are not that high… I keep thinking that if I start to write again, that the emotions that ping pong around inside my head will find release and leave my tortured head alone… I was once told I was not allowed inside my own head without a chaperone… this is so true. there are too many up there… the “committee” is always in session.
Why do I find the need for acceptance so great?
Why do I care what other people think of me?
Why do I gauge all my actions on trying to please others?
Why can I not be true to MY own feelings??? Do I know what those feelings are???
And then why, do I seek attention, then hate the fact I get attention?
and not always the “right” attention???
More on that later, I think…
right now, I have to think about how much I want to share

I used to grab life, to really live it, to enjoy and embrace all aspects… I used to be “bubbly”… this is what I have been told…. I sometimes still have random hits of that.. (manic???)  hehehe… my ex used to say… “you lost your bubbles”… I failed to tell him he popped them all. 

 Every once in awhile I find that part of me again.  Not sure why… I tend to let outside influences guide me… sooo, I guess that means I need to find it within myself again.  Hoping I will. 

Give it over… let go… know I am not driving the bus… I am but a passenger.  My ?higher power? is in charge???   If that is true I wish (s)he would get on the same damn bus as I.