The things I “lost” in the fire… were just “things”  I still had my memories… yet, this week, once again I was blessed with some of my “things” being returned to me.  These items were mostly clothing, replacable “things”, yet, each item brought forth a memory forgotten, and thus added to my “bank” of memories once again.  Some things were purchased by a dear sweet friend, lover and kind and caring man, so those brought back fond memories; some things were worn at certain events, my son’s wedding, a inprompt to trip to Mt St. Helens with dear friends, thus evoking more wonderful memories; still others were purchased when shopping with other dear friends, and therefore recalling a winter shopping trip to Portland that could not be replaced; and others were gifts from family… some hung in my closet, without a second thought, but yet now take on a life and love of their own… so more great memories…  But, as stated in the beginning, just “things”.  The most precious items returned to me were pictures.  Pictures of my children as little babies, as toddlers, as kids, as themselves.  And though those times live on in my memory, to have these tangible items to refer back to are precious and irreplaceable.   The fire is a (not-so) distant memory now, and replaced with these “things”.  I feel inordinately lucky and blessed.  And with my house taking shape every day, I feel like I am almost “home”. 

the progress is wonderful!!!  I truly did not believe it would happen until now, when I can see it… the wood, cement, the change…on my  little lot… my little house.. MY OWN house… It truly is the only thing I have that will secure my future.  I have no retirement, I have no investments.  I only had my house.  and now, seeing it grow from the bottom up gives me hope and strength and a sense of peace for my future.  I get to pick exterior colors now… I am looking at other things too, but one step at a time. 

I can deal with that!

I think I must.  I have had a love… a wonderful love, a love that I had hoped would take me into my “twilight” years… A love I have tried to nurture, but I think I have held on too long.  Too many times, when I have tried to solidify our future, he chooses not to participate.  It breaks my heart, crushes my soul… I KNOW we are soul mates, yet, yet, there seems to be no set future… something I need to know, and he seems to not want to talk about.  Saddened is not the word for it… but time for me to let go.  Hard to do.  HARD.  So maybe I have mis-judged our whole relationship.  Maybe he was in it partially to help “make me whole” and help me through some very tough times in my life.  I honestly do not know his motivation at this time.  and because I do not know what is in his heart and mind, I must decide what is in mine, and if I can continue to place myself in this place… to keep hoping.  I think by now, I know the answer.  It will not be.  As much as I would wish and want and love it to be… it will not.

I will forever love you Robert.  Forever.  But, in order to survive, to live and to be a person in this world, I realize you will not be a part of that world.  My heart is breaking… but my memories are sweet and will never fade. 

On to the next chapter… I may still be swimming, I may feel like I am drowning, but I will survive.  I must.  I will.

Til later… dear blog…

Even though the weather is not acting like it, I know that we are moving into fall… I LOVE fall, the changing of the leaves, the cool nights, and semi-warm days, the air seems crisp, but not so cold you don’t want to leave the house.  The leaves falling, and (sans rain) crunch underfoot when you walk.  I love it.  It brings back memories of, as a child walking home from Jr. High… kicking and stomping the leaves in the gutters, many of them put there by raking homeowners, some there by the breeze that blew down the street where I lived.  Chanting ” Mr. Loeffler, Mr. Loeffler” ( our milkman— YES they delivered milk back then, and we would pass his house every day).  Every once in a while, we would get a special treat… CHOCOLATE MILK!!!  Something that still brought a smile to my face as an a parent, and would treat MY kids with.. and they always found a delight… even though the “milkman” didn’t deliver it, but was purchased at the store.  A memory — fond — and never forgotten.  Crunching leaves and chocolate milk entwine in my memory as childhood memories.  I can smell those days.

Though I know that Fall eases (or crashes) into winter, a season I love but not as fondly, maybe because lack of sunshine??? holidays alone??? I don’t know, but the Fall is something I can look forward to, thoroughly enjoy and dream about in the other darker months.  If I could live in eternal Fall, I probably would choose to live there…  Halloween..  apples,  orangy hued dusk… playing “cops and robbers”, “mother-may-I” , “tag” and “HIDE AND SEEK” until our parents called us home for dinner… and then after, after dinner, if we were lucky, another hour or so until “the street lights come on”.. our childhood, our play time… our lives.  Such great memories…  Never forgotten.  And the best of them were when my brother, sister and I could play those neighborhood games together.  Little sis would get tired at times, but I could have played until midnight those games with my friends  from the neighborhood.  In my dim memory now, it seemed there were hundreds of us… but I know not that many… I DO know that I was very very lucky to live in that type of neighborhood, to have lived where I lived.  To have the family I have.  I am blessed!!

I just got a call from my darling youngest daughter.  Her baby’s uncle is in the hospital.  Broke (?) his neck, on his motorcycle.  But not paralyzed, thank God.  Lucky to be alive, yes, lesson learned ?? I hope.  In fact a lesson to all.  Makes my problems seem small.  Saying a prayer.  for the whole family.  Life is precious, and can be short.  I am thankful I am alive, to be a part of my kids lives, my relatively small health issues are not important.  And every day I wake up I am happy, just sometimes need to remember that!

Peace to ALL

I have had too many medical issues lately… been told, it is mostly stress related.  SO, I have come to the conclusion that what I am doing isn’t working and have to make a change.  Every day I try to change one little thing… I am starting to read more.. listen to music more, I even started coloring… yep… coloring, abstract things, I can NOT draw, so it is either coloring books or I have found some things online to print and color.  I went and bought colored pencils (a good time to do it, back to school sales and all) and am enjoying that.  and it is something that I can do, look at and enjoy and not feel bad about throwing out if I don’t want the clutter.  And I don’t feel bad about having something I started that I didn’t finish.

 My biggest issue right now is my stomach just hurting horribly, almost every afternoon… starts around 2pm… and sometimes grows so much that I am crying or throwing up by 7 or so.  So…. my plan for that is to start a journal of everything I am eating, drinking, smelling, doing, that might contribute.  Some nights are so bad that I don’t sleep all night… but after a couple of days at home I am fine… so maybe something at work???  I don’t honestly know.  it is hard to pin down something like this… but it is not consistant enough to attribute to anything yet.  I had about 3 weeks of bad heartburn and suddenly that is gone.  Allergies??? don’t know.  I know I am very sensitive to certain smells or odors… gasoline, perfume, fumes from exhaust… but can’t determine if any of those are a consistant cause.  More research needed I guess.

Anyway… so here I am… between life and living… I am existing, not in a bad way.  content enough, but am I living life like I should?  Probably not.  I am too complacent in where I am right now to persue anything more.  I am happy with myself.  I am happy being (living) alone.  Would I be happier if I wasn’t alone??? I do not know.  For now, I am good.  I am happy.  and other than my tummy revolting on me about every day, I feel good. 

Til later, dear Blog…

Peace

I have had a couple of very nice things happen to me lately.  Met a new friend, bought some frames for some pics I wanted to display, found some lyrics to some songs I was always wondering what was being said, and then danced to those songs… a good day.  I didn’t done the work I wanted to for my RE side job, but that’s okay.  I can work on it this week.  The coming week will be crazy, start up of school, panicing staff, panicing boss… but I will handle it.  I was so sick last week and this long (no stress) weekend is something I really needed.  Like the mini vacation to see my son, I feel engergized again.  I just hope my alarm wakes me up.  I think I need a “bedroom monkey”—like the trunk monkey.. to scream me out of bed in the am… hehehe… 

More later… peace to all

-n

Found out yesterday that (FINALLY) the building plans have been approved with the city… my contractor is planning on starting immediately after the holiday (“no later than Wednesday”)  and he knows how limited my time is here where I am temporarily, so hopefully things will move quickly.  Luckily, building around here is slowing down a bit and he won’t have several other projects going on.  My house is small compared to what he ususally does and we don’t expect it to take long.  Hopefully I can be in by Thanksgiving???  Seeing as my insurance is paying for temp housing until the end of October, I REALLY hope so!!!  My one fear is that the cost to rebuild will exceed what I have been alloted thru insurance… that means a loan, that a REALLY do not want to get, but I will if I need to.  I just want to be home again. 

It is hard to be in “limbo” not really feeling like I have a place of my own.  Feel lost and adrift.  I try HARD to stay positive, it is not easy.  at all.

Anyway, wish me the best.  Say a prayer or light a candle or what ever feels right.  I am calling on the cosmos to bring this all together.

On a bright note, my find at the antique store last week is sustaining me, and I have many pictures back — saved from the fire — that I need to organize and put into albums.  I have put up a framed collage of my kids and grandkids that I see everyday and brightens the moment.

Peace to all.