had some great news tonight… bitter sweet, but good news… and the person I wanted to share it with was not available…  will I ever be able to have good news, or sad news, or thoughts or feelings that I do won’t want to share with him?? will that time ever come?  I hope so… and not…   I have tried to move so far from that connection… from that need… but still, it lingers.  Some things you just HAVE to share with that one special person.   and that person for me is not where I want him.  Nor will he ever be… for I can’t wish and hope for that.  It makes me sad… empty, lonely and sad… but from the actions of this recent past, I cannot hope for that… but – BUT, I can take many of the tools he has given me, entwine them into my future and present life, and make better choices.  He has affected me and will always dwell deep within my soul, and often, many times, his words of wisdom and caring seep into my being and make me think, make me stop and try and decide my next move.  I will always love him.  no doubt about that.  Destiny…  he was put here, in my life once again, to make me know, to realize, that my life is good.  that I am a worthwhile and special person.  THIS gift will never be forgotten… even if the bloom fades, the memory diminishes… this I know will always be with me… I am GOOD.  I am worthy… and again, I like myself. 

thank  you…………

It looks like I may be about 3 weeks from moving into my house… I have been inside since the walls were enclosed and boy does my bedroom seem small!!!  But, it is MY bedroom, and MY house, and MY home… I am so excited about getting back home…  I am in the midst of picking appliances and lighting ( a big PAIN!! I can’t decide!!)  But it will all come together in the end.  I know it will be simply perfect.  I am getting my sense of peace back… and THAT is the best part of all of this.  I am me again.

I haven’t written in awhile… much progress being made on my house.  I have a roof, siding, interior studs, plumbing, electrical and gas… the guys are working hard and fast, there everyday, and the progress is obvious. 

I got to pick my colors last week.  YEAH!!!! and the designer had me dead on, without knowing me, of what I wanted.  Plus more… I will have tile and granite and slate… the interior of my new house is going to be totally awesome.. more than I had hoped for.  the outside plain, which fits in my neighborhood and what I wanted, but the inside will be my oasis… my home.  I cannot wait.  Of course, with this joy comes a bit of fear… I got notice to move out of my present place before it will be completed… and I am not sure my insurance will cover the entire cost of rebuild… since the ins. co had hired a previous contractor, whom declined to rebuild as I wanted… so I had to hire my present contractor, who is a dream.  I am lucky to have him, and his crew… they are used to much, (MUCH) higher end homes and I really believe they are trying to give me quality on my white bread budget. 

So, I am looking at perhaps a month and a half until I get to “move home” and can’t wait.  I don’t feel right here, I don’t feel like I have a home, I only have a place to live.  But that, too, is a blessing in itself.. For all the terrible stuff I have had happen in the past several months, I am, AM truly blessed to have what I have… and I am not talking about “stuff”.  My family and friends have really helped get me through this whole past year.  Without them, I WOULD be lost.

Thank you all, you know who you are… I love you all.

Peace…