I have had too many medical issues lately… been told, it is mostly stress related.  SO, I have come to the conclusion that what I am doing isn’t working and have to make a change.  Every day I try to change one little thing… I am starting to read more.. listen to music more, I even started coloring… yep… coloring, abstract things, I can NOT draw, so it is either coloring books or I have found some things online to print and color.  I went and bought colored pencils (a good time to do it, back to school sales and all) and am enjoying that.  and it is something that I can do, look at and enjoy and not feel bad about throwing out if I don’t want the clutter.  And I don’t feel bad about having something I started that I didn’t finish.

 My biggest issue right now is my stomach just hurting horribly, almost every afternoon… starts around 2pm… and sometimes grows so much that I am crying or throwing up by 7 or so.  So…. my plan for that is to start a journal of everything I am eating, drinking, smelling, doing, that might contribute.  Some nights are so bad that I don’t sleep all night… but after a couple of days at home I am fine… so maybe something at work???  I don’t honestly know.  it is hard to pin down something like this… but it is not consistant enough to attribute to anything yet.  I had about 3 weeks of bad heartburn and suddenly that is gone.  Allergies??? don’t know.  I know I am very sensitive to certain smells or odors… gasoline, perfume, fumes from exhaust… but can’t determine if any of those are a consistant cause.  More research needed I guess.

Anyway… so here I am… between life and living… I am existing, not in a bad way.  content enough, but am I living life like I should?  Probably not.  I am too complacent in where I am right now to persue anything more.  I am happy with myself.  I am happy being (living) alone.  Would I be happier if I wasn’t alone??? I do not know.  For now, I am good.  I am happy.  and other than my tummy revolting on me about every day, I feel good. 

Til later, dear Blog…

Peace

I have had a couple of very nice things happen to me lately.  Met a new friend, bought some frames for some pics I wanted to display, found some lyrics to some songs I was always wondering what was being said, and then danced to those songs… a good day.  I didn’t done the work I wanted to for my RE side job, but that’s okay.  I can work on it this week.  The coming week will be crazy, start up of school, panicing staff, panicing boss… but I will handle it.  I was so sick last week and this long (no stress) weekend is something I really needed.  Like the mini vacation to see my son, I feel engergized again.  I just hope my alarm wakes me up.  I think I need a “bedroom monkey”—like the trunk monkey.. to scream me out of bed in the am… hehehe… 

More later… peace to all

-n

Found out yesterday that (FINALLY) the building plans have been approved with the city… my contractor is planning on starting immediately after the holiday (“no later than Wednesday”)  and he knows how limited my time is here where I am temporarily, so hopefully things will move quickly.  Luckily, building around here is slowing down a bit and he won’t have several other projects going on.  My house is small compared to what he ususally does and we don’t expect it to take long.  Hopefully I can be in by Thanksgiving???  Seeing as my insurance is paying for temp housing until the end of October, I REALLY hope so!!!  My one fear is that the cost to rebuild will exceed what I have been alloted thru insurance… that means a loan, that a REALLY do not want to get, but I will if I need to.  I just want to be home again. 

It is hard to be in “limbo” not really feeling like I have a place of my own.  Feel lost and adrift.  I try HARD to stay positive, it is not easy.  at all.

Anyway, wish me the best.  Say a prayer or light a candle or what ever feels right.  I am calling on the cosmos to bring this all together.

On a bright note, my find at the antique store last week is sustaining me, and I have many pictures back — saved from the fire — that I need to organize and put into albums.  I have put up a framed collage of my kids and grandkids that I see everyday and brightens the moment.

Peace to all. 

My house hasn’t progessed much… my life is, well, still  seemingly in upheaval… every day is a challange.  Work is completely crazy right now, wish I could spread the insaneness throughout the year, but it seems to peak around now… die down, then peak again.  Makes the days go fast, but I go home with a headache that doesn’t quit, so the next day it just builds.  It is hard to get out of bed.  Doesn’t help my alarm clock is possessed. 

Hopefully, word from my contractor, is the city will approve my plans this week.  I have insurance in place, but am totally petrified that my funds won’t cover the re-build.  So a loan-ing I must go… Joy.  or a-borrowing, more aptly.  One of my credit cards is tempting me with 1.99%… for the life.. up to $10,000… so that might be where I go.  Found out today that I SHOULD have informed my lender, even tho my insurance guy said not to… great… hope they don’t fold on me… just another rock on the pile.  Makes me weary. 

Going to go put a towel over my face and try to get rid of this headache… wish me luck.

Peace

that is what this blog, this forum has taken on.  I feel so free writing here… here is my next post…

I have realized, over many years, but just come to accept, that I am so very much like my daddy.  Quiet, introspective, in the background much of the time, but very much a part of the life around me.  I tend not to talk much in groups.  It takes me a LOT of time and trust to speak out and give of myself, of my inner most thoughts and feelings.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have them… it means I guard them, and only trust them to my most trusted.  To those who in a sense, earn that trust.  I tend to listen, keep quiet and absorb everything from around me.  It gives me time to think, and analyze things said, and some think me standoffish, or rude or not caring.  But that is the farthest from the truth.  I FEEL everything I hear.  I FEEL everything I am told.  I FEEL so much at times I can’t express how it affects me… but it does, just the same.  I often times feel I should not express how I feel, because it might HURT the other person!  I, more than anything, do NOT want anyone to feel uncomfortable… so… I keep quiet…

These past few weeks… every, EVERY day… I talk to Daddy.  I look at his picture on my mantle and smile, thank him for being him, for being my Daddy and ask him for guidance… throughout my day.  and it helps.  I KNOW he is there.  He is looking over me, protecting me, AS HE ALWAYS DID, and not letting me forget the terrific person that I am.  I am forever, FOREVER thankful for my Mom… who ALWAYS, anytime I called, put Daddy on the phone, and let us talk.  Sometimes I was nervous, afraid I would have nothing to say… BUT, we ALWAYS found something to talk about… and that , that, so makes me smile now.  I have always been close, loved without reservations, my Daddy… but, I realize now what a terrific person, mom and wife my Momma is.  SHE kept us together… ALL of us.  I, WE, all owe her soooo very much.  I love and honor her so completely.  and I think she knows that.  Just to be sure, I will tell her.  MY kids would not be the wonderful people they are today without the background I had… My parents are the best.  None better.  Generations will benefit from my parents.  this I truly believe. 

So… Mom, Dad, the future of this world in in the hands of your offspring… you and many other terrific parents that taught their children that they could be the best, that they ARE the best…  and for this!!!!  this world has a bright future…  for generations.

This may sound campy and pollyanna, but this is what I was raised to believe.  In my heart, it is what my parents wanted and it is what my parents instilled in us.  Respect, honor, caring, RESPECT.   I truly believe that if everyone had respect… for self, for others, for earth, for living creatures,  everything else would just fall in place. 

I want to go on about this, but it seems redundant… If we could just teach respect… nothing else would matter. 

Thank you Mom and Dad.  I love you both so much.

this and that… nothing special…

Today’s post is about… kids, construction, moving forward.

to start…. a funny story.  I got several phone calls (LATE) Saturday night.   At one point, I woke up, looked at the caller ID and didn’t recognize the number.  Eventually, my voracious curiosity, (and crazy overactive mind) forced me to listen to the message.  It was a collect phone call from “an inmate at Wa Co jail” wishing to speak to me.  the second message named the person… daughter…  middle child…  my heart child.  The one so like me it is scary.  My mom instinct was “save her NOW!!”, my more practical side said… “make her wait”.  She is an adult.  SOOOO, of course, not a great night of sleep, and first thing (way too early for a Sunday) I awoke, searched the internet and found, YES, my daughters name as an “inmate” at that facility…  CRAP!  I dug further, found out that the charges were “theft of services” and “interferring with public transportation”… this made me wonder…  Oh crud, she hopped the public transit without paying and then acting like a jerk when confronted… 

Next morning… after a few attempted contacts from her, I relented (how else!! was I to find out the truth?!?!?!) and had to pay a fee to “register” my phone to accept her calls.  And so it happened… she called, I accepted ( a $25 dollar acceptance—grrrrr) and spoke to my first born daughter… 

Here is the story:  She went out after work with friends, had a few drinks (apparently hard alcohol, not her usual drink— NOT making excuses, just telling the story!) and got on the public transportation to go home around 10:30ish…  a good decision knowing that driving would be bad!  Her mistake, you ask?? she hopped on without paying… then FELL ASLEEP (passed out?? fine line I suppose)  SOOOO, she was discovered  by the trans security, who couldn’t or wouldn’t wake her and called the cops.  and then, of course, she’s drunk (let’s be honest) and didn’t pay, so, they “took her in”.  I understand, they could not cite and let her go… liability and all, I find no fault with that at all.  and drove her about 45 miles to the jail… where she stayed in the lobby, in a chair all night.  (Hope that lesson remains for quite some time.)

Unfortunately on the way to the jail, she started retching, and spit on the floor of the police car… so add a charge of Criminal Mischief.  (I HATE it when she spits and wasn’t there to see if she was just being ummmm, rude or dumb…)  But, nevertheless, she has 3 charges now.  Mostly a pain for her, and she is totally disgusted and mad at herself, but will take time (and money???) to take care of.  Lesson learned??? I hope.  She is a GOOD person (picks up other peoples garbage!  Cares about people, animals, is not prejudiced, mean or cruel)  She is a good person. 

Through all this, her biggest complaint is she lost her cell phone… no one has it, police say not, jail say not…  I hope she gets it back.. she needs a phone for safely reasons.  Ex bf is a scary guy. 

Next!

I am finally on the path to rebuilding my home after the fire…  this too, will take time and I have a lot to do to make it happen.  I am excited to get going on this.  it gives me focus, purpose and direction.  Maybe I will need a new blog to track this progress.  For the first time I feel happy and excited about something.  As much as I didn’t want to rebuild, I had hoped to settle and move on, the fact of the matter is that financially, that will NOT work.  So, here I go, I am committed and thrilled… well, for now… ask me again in a week!!!  I guess I need to be the “boss” and keep on top of things… I wish I wasn’t so wishy washy or easily fooled… I am hoping my great wonderful friends will help me through all this.  I can’t do it alone! 

that’s all for now.  More later!

My life, it seems, has been a constant barrage of one thing after another… and yet I stay here, stay strong… in my own way.  You wonder how any one person can sustain sanity through all life has to give… and then I think of my family….

My mom… she just lost the one complete, honest love of her life…  She seems a strong person, but I have been warned about whether or not this is outward appearances only, that she ALSO, (like the rest of us!!!) is suffering inside.  I believe this is true.  She is human, not just my mom… someone I look up to to BE strong, be there, be MOM!!

and there is my sister… who is living daily, a hard life, dealing with rebelious teens, a hard to life with husband/kids a life at work that makes her feel GOOD, a recreational life that gives her release, hope and a sense of how good she truly is..  She has shown me happiness in so many ways…  I honor her.

and my brother…  who, in MY mind, has the PERFECT life!!!  or so I thought… but, here again, LIFE intrudes… life is there… and things happen that NONE of us anticipate… family drama, pets dying, work demands… He TOO, is human, with a human existance.  I learned A LOT about him these last few months.  I learned he is a TERRIFICALLY sensitive, emotional and loving person!  That his family, (us as the first), and current (his wife and kids) are so incredible important to him.  That he is THERE…in every sense of the word… and for that I am eternally grateful.  I wish I knew him better!!  I have always loved him – (he is my big brother!!!) and looked up to him all my life… but his compassion, depth of feeling and dedication to family has opened my eyes to the true real person he is… and I am proud… proud that he is my brother.  I love you.

this forum has allowed me to explore many feelings I experience.  I am thankful for that… but the most cherished result of this is I am so happy to find my family again.  May we never be distant again…  Just know I love you all so very much.  You are my heart.

I have traveled through MANY hard places recently.  I turned the big FIVE – OH;  lost a terrific relationship and friend; lost my home;  traveled through my Daddy’s illness that took him TOO FAST!!! and his death… still too fresh to talk about much…;  in the mean time, I have found my family… again…  My dear sweet sister (ever so supportive, even when HER life is not great!!), my Mom, seeing, feeling and learning about her strength, always there, yet often forgotten; my incredible fantastic brother… someone I have not made enough time to know, MY loss, but now, hopefull for a new relationship, a new beginning.  Through it all, my one constant is my job, my career, fell into it, and very lucky… but hard all the same, because I am being asked to leave that, that ONE sure thing to move closer to my family in CA.  Up here, I have my truly wonderful, maturing daughters… my new granddaughter… Can I leave that????  I have been told, they are young, they may move, they may travel, they may leave YOU!  But the ONE thing, the ONE thing that would have made me believe it would be okay, that I COULD move back down to CA, and KNOW my family up here would still be a part of my life… the ONE person I KNEW would never let me lose touch…. has told me he sees no future for us… even if I were to move down there.  That hurt… That CRUSHED me…  So now… all my hopeful plans are torn assunder… I am back at square ONE.  But, but, yet I know… there is a purpose… I know there is.  there MUST be.  There MUST… because if I were to give up on that, I would need to give up on everything… all I know…

So, now, still, I am in limbo.  It is not a bad place to be, while I lick my wounds and gather my strength.  To fight the next fight.  To get up the next morning, to answer the next phone call… to eat the next meal. 

and so I go on….  and I will.  too stubborn not to, if you must know…

Peace… to all. 

Things have changed since my last post…  I went down to see my Daddy….  I tried to go on Sunday… I had things I had PROCRASTINATED about.. and had to do…(MAYBE THIS will change that bad habit of mine…)   the next day I got there, he was in a procedure room… having contrast dye inserted to look at his kidney function… during this procedure…  I was IN the hospital… in the cafeteria with my mom and brother… I DIDN’T get to see him first!!!!,,,, during this, he coded….  We heard the “code blue in radiology”… I KNEW!!! I knew… BUT, but, I looked at the look that flitted across my mom’s face and said to her… “there are a lot of people in there… it’s not Daddy”… and she said… “I know, there are a lot of very sick people in this hospital”… she was still in denial, OR trying to protect her kids.  But I knew.  I wanted nothing more than to leave there and go to where he was.  They called the code over and over.  then cleared it, then called it again… several more times.  By then my sister had arrived.  My mom mistakenly thought sis said she had gone to Dad’s room first, and since he was not back yet we decided to go to the radiology dept, where Dad was.  We spoke to the nurse (who knew my Mom and Dad very well, he was there quite a bit lately), who seemed to not want to say much… the doc doing the procedure came out… and asked us into the hallway… IF before then, I wasn’t sure, that was the clincher… he spoke of Dad vomiting (he had been non stop for a couple of days), and then aspirating into his lungs… then he stopped breathing, his heart had stopped “momentarialy”… and STILL Mom, Sis and Brother didn’t really seem to understnad… maybe they did… but I KNEW>  I KNEW i did not make it in time… I would not see my Daddy again.  The doc feared he would not make it out of the room… but if they could stablize him, he would go to ICU… I think, if my sister and brother had not been there, I would not have stayed on my feet.  Seeing my house, the day after the fire… I nearly collasped…. this day, this moment, I did.  but for them, I would not have been standing. 

We went upstairs accompanied by a wonderful minister.  Some very kind people cleared a room for us to have, seeing our distress.  Eventually, we were told Dad was on his way up.. he was stable.  Even then, when told by doctor that he was on a ventilator, I don’t think we got it… I finally asked ( I had to!!  This was the most assertive I had been in many many years!!!)  ” He’s on life support.?”  the answer was yes. 

Right now, I can’t continue… but I will later.  Thanks for this forum… thank you.

Here I am no longer a kid, and so so scared and sad about my Dad.  He is in the hospital, in California and I feel soooo helpless.  This has happened so fast.  He was healthy, vibrant, full of life, until last summer, he started having a few problems, most attributed to his age (turned 80 in Feb), and tests showed nothing amiss, no recurrance of prostate cancer that he fought a beat over 10 years ago.  But something wasn’t right.  He has great doctors, even the Stanford Tumor board has reviewed his case… he has a LARGE mass, tumor, in his pelvic region, that in January they tried to remove… but couldn’t.  It was “soft” and vascular…  removing it would have caused him to bleed to death… they relieved the pressure on his nether regions and then….    sooo, chemo, then radiation, was started.  Aggressively.  And he was okay, not great, but okay til last weekend…  His kidneys had shut down (tumor pressing on ducts), so they did a bypass of sorts, he awoke from that surgery feeling thirsty, hungry, something he hadn’t felt in awhile.  Next day, he coulddn’t hold anything down, was hungry (for the first time in weeks!!) but couldn’t eat… and now… dialysis… and word that his liver is also shut down… I talk to him on the phone, and he sounds soooooo very tired, weak and old!! My Daddy is NOT old!!! and of ANYONE in this world, HE does NOT deserve this!!!  He is a sweet, gentle, loving, caring man!!  A RARE man!  A man I tried to find in all my subsequent relationships… someone kind, loving, funny, happy.  He doesn’t cuss.  He thinks of others, of how to make things better for others… he RECYCLES!!!  WITH A PASSION!!!!  to help the earth… He loves his wife, his 3 kids, his grand kids and GREAT grand kids… He would do anything for anyone… and this is SOOOO UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!  Please, God, take care of Dad… and Mom…  I love them so…