what’s this life for?

{November 10, 2007}   house… v.3

I have GRASS!!!  Talked to my contractor today… the plumbing gets finished mid week next week, and the granite countertops on Friday.  My insurance has lopped off $10,000 off the top of what they will pay for the company THEY hired at the beginning, without my say so… and now, I have NO say so on that.  So, need to be creative in financing now.  But will be okay.  Have to meet with contractor this week to pick up and pay for the appliances, !!  wooo – hoo!!

Looks like MAYBE the week after next, it will be ready to occupy… 

back to packing…


{November 1, 2007}   Trick or Treat

the memories I have of this day, this evening with my small kids… oh, so bittersweet!!!  I am lucky enough to being living right now in a place where the ghouls, goblins, power rangers, butterflies and princesses are flocking to my door.  It is truly wonderful to see… I remember MY trick-or-treating days… when Mom and Dad MADE us eat dinner, us so excited and anxious to GET OUT THERE, but them making us wait until our neighbors were prepared.  (You never went too early back then, the neighbors, too were having dinner!!) and then repeating that ritual with my kids…  my pumpkin, my butterfly, my care bear, my unicorn…  such great memories.  I know that now, my grandkids are following that same ritual.. handed down thru the generations.. and loving every minute of it… Then the “pouring out of the candy”, checking to make sure it was safe…   and just enjoying watching the anticipation of my adorable children, patiently waiting for mom and dads okay.  (the days after, trying to “ration” the goodies… worked when they were little, lost some control later in the years), and then, finding… years later, my own children rationing themselves.. to make it last… and sometimes finding gooey, un-edible candy in bags, because they WERE waiting and not eating it all at once… THAT was a sweet find… without my knowing, they had learned and so my job on Halloween was done… hehe

I miss not being with my grandkids for this day…  I miss that part.  But knowing that the ninja turtles, ghosts, brides and angels are here at my door is a sweet rememberance of those times.

and I told the “big” kids, if my light is on later, it means, come on by again… you can clean out the bowl. 

(remember being a bit older and going late, and the folks at the door were “done” for the night, and you would get the rest????)

Oh yah… seeing the little ones dressed up, and then the passing of the torch to the older kids….  these kids are not dumb… they know strategy… 

Happy Halloween~~!!

{October 23, 2007}   news

had some great news tonight… bitter sweet, but good news… and the person I wanted to share it with was not available…  will I ever be able to have good news, or sad news, or thoughts or feelings that I do won’t want to share with him?? will that time ever come?  I hope so… and not…   I have tried to move so far from that connection… from that need… but still, it lingers.  Some things you just HAVE to share with that one special person.   and that person for me is not where I want him.  Nor will he ever be… for I can’t wish and hope for that.  It makes me sad… empty, lonely and sad… but from the actions of this recent past, I cannot hope for that… but – BUT, I can take many of the tools he has given me, entwine them into my future and present life, and make better choices.  He has affected me and will always dwell deep within my soul, and often, many times, his words of wisdom and caring seep into my being and make me think, make me stop and try and decide my next move.  I will always love him.  no doubt about that.  Destiny…  he was put here, in my life once again, to make me know, to realize, that my life is good.  that I am a worthwhile and special person.  THIS gift will never be forgotten… even if the bloom fades, the memory diminishes… this I know will always be with me… I am GOOD.  I am worthy… and again, I like myself. 

thank  you…………

{October 21, 2007}   Getting closer

It looks like I may be about 3 weeks from moving into my house… I have been inside since the walls were enclosed and boy does my bedroom seem small!!!  But, it is MY bedroom, and MY house, and MY home… I am so excited about getting back home…  I am in the midst of picking appliances and lighting ( a big PAIN!! I can’t decide!!)  But it will all come together in the end.  I know it will be simply perfect.  I am getting my sense of peace back… and THAT is the best part of all of this.  I am me again.

{October 7, 2007}   Time and house marching on

I haven’t written in awhile… much progress being made on my house.  I have a roof, siding, interior studs, plumbing, electrical and gas… the guys are working hard and fast, there everyday, and the progress is obvious. 

I got to pick my colors last week.  YEAH!!!! and the designer had me dead on, without knowing me, of what I wanted.  Plus more… I will have tile and granite and slate… the interior of my new house is going to be totally awesome.. more than I had hoped for.  the outside plain, which fits in my neighborhood and what I wanted, but the inside will be my oasis… my home.  I cannot wait.  Of course, with this joy comes a bit of fear… I got notice to move out of my present place before it will be completed… and I am not sure my insurance will cover the entire cost of rebuild… since the ins. co had hired a previous contractor, whom declined to rebuild as I wanted… so I had to hire my present contractor, who is a dream.  I am lucky to have him, and his crew… they are used to much, (MUCH) higher end homes and I really believe they are trying to give me quality on my white bread budget. 

So, I am looking at perhaps a month and a half until I get to “move home” and can’t wait.  I don’t feel right here, I don’t feel like I have a home, I only have a place to live.  But that, too, is a blessing in itself.. For all the terrible stuff I have had happen in the past several months, I am, AM truly blessed to have what I have… and I am not talking about “stuff”.  My family and friends have really helped get me through this whole past year.  Without them, I WOULD be lost.

Thank you all, you know who you are… I love you all.


{September 22, 2007}   “things” are just “Things”

The things I “lost” in the fire… were just “things”  I still had my memories… yet, this week, once again I was blessed with some of my “things” being returned to me.  These items were mostly clothing, replacable “things”, yet, each item brought forth a memory forgotten, and thus added to my “bank” of memories once again.  Some things were purchased by a dear sweet friend, lover and kind and caring man, so those brought back fond memories; some things were worn at certain events, my son’s wedding, a inprompt to trip to Mt St. Helens with dear friends, thus evoking more wonderful memories; still others were purchased when shopping with other dear friends, and therefore recalling a winter shopping trip to Portland that could not be replaced; and others were gifts from family… some hung in my closet, without a second thought, but yet now take on a life and love of their own… so more great memories…  But, as stated in the beginning, just “things”.  The most precious items returned to me were pictures.  Pictures of my children as little babies, as toddlers, as kids, as themselves.  And though those times live on in my memory, to have these tangible items to refer back to are precious and irreplaceable.   The fire is a (not-so) distant memory now, and replaced with these “things”.  I feel inordinately lucky and blessed.  And with my house taking shape every day, I feel like I am almost “home”. 

{September 20, 2007}   my house

the progress is wonderful!!!  I truly did not believe it would happen until now, when I can see it… the wood, cement, the change…on my  little lot… my little house.. MY OWN house… It truly is the only thing I have that will secure my future.  I have no retirement, I have no investments.  I only had my house.  and now, seeing it grow from the bottom up gives me hope and strength and a sense of peace for my future.  I get to pick exterior colors now… I am looking at other things too, but one step at a time. 

I can deal with that!

{September 15, 2007}   time to move on…??…

I think I must.  I have had a love… a wonderful love, a love that I had hoped would take me into my “twilight” years… A love I have tried to nurture, but I think I have held on too long.  Too many times, when I have tried to solidify our future, he chooses not to participate.  It breaks my heart, crushes my soul… I KNOW we are soul mates, yet, yet, there seems to be no set future… something I need to know, and he seems to not want to talk about.  Saddened is not the word for it… but time for me to let go.  Hard to do.  HARD.  So maybe I have mis-judged our whole relationship.  Maybe he was in it partially to help “make me whole” and help me through some very tough times in my life.  I honestly do not know his motivation at this time.  and because I do not know what is in his heart and mind, I must decide what is in mine, and if I can continue to place myself in this place… to keep hoping.  I think by now, I know the answer.  It will not be.  As much as I would wish and want and love it to be… it will not.

I will forever love you Robert.  Forever.  But, in order to survive, to live and to be a person in this world, I realize you will not be a part of that world.  My heart is breaking… but my memories are sweet and will never fade. 

On to the next chapter… I may still be swimming, I may feel like I am drowning, but I will survive.  I must.  I will.

Til later… dear blog…

{September 12, 2007}   swimming into fall

Even though the weather is not acting like it, I know that we are moving into fall… I LOVE fall, the changing of the leaves, the cool nights, and semi-warm days, the air seems crisp, but not so cold you don’t want to leave the house.  The leaves falling, and (sans rain) crunch underfoot when you walk.  I love it.  It brings back memories of, as a child walking home from Jr. High… kicking and stomping the leaves in the gutters, many of them put there by raking homeowners, some there by the breeze that blew down the street where I lived.  Chanting ” Mr. Loeffler, Mr. Loeffler” ( our milkman— YES they delivered milk back then, and we would pass his house every day).  Every once in a while, we would get a special treat… CHOCOLATE MILK!!!  Something that still brought a smile to my face as an a parent, and would treat MY kids with.. and they always found a delight… even though the “milkman” didn’t deliver it, but was purchased at the store.  A memory — fond — and never forgotten.  Crunching leaves and chocolate milk entwine in my memory as childhood memories.  I can smell those days.

Though I know that Fall eases (or crashes) into winter, a season I love but not as fondly, maybe because lack of sunshine??? holidays alone??? I don’t know, but the Fall is something I can look forward to, thoroughly enjoy and dream about in the other darker months.  If I could live in eternal Fall, I probably would choose to live there…  Halloween..  apples,  orangy hued dusk… playing “cops and robbers”, “mother-may-I” , “tag” and “HIDE AND SEEK” until our parents called us home for dinner… and then after, after dinner, if we were lucky, another hour or so until “the street lights come on”.. our childhood, our play time… our lives.  Such great memories…  Never forgotten.  And the best of them were when my brother, sister and I could play those neighborhood games together.  Little sis would get tired at times, but I could have played until midnight those games with my friends  from the neighborhood.  In my dim memory now, it seemed there were hundreds of us… but I know not that many… I DO know that I was very very lucky to live in that type of neighborhood, to have lived where I lived.  To have the family I have.  I am blessed!!

I just got a call from my darling youngest daughter.  Her baby’s uncle is in the hospital.  Broke (?) his neck, on his motorcycle.  But not paralyzed, thank God.  Lucky to be alive, yes, lesson learned ?? I hope.  In fact a lesson to all.  Makes my problems seem small.  Saying a prayer.  for the whole family.  Life is precious, and can be short.  I am thankful I am alive, to be a part of my kids lives, my relatively small health issues are not important.  And every day I wake up I am happy, just sometimes need to remember that!

Peace to ALL

et cetera